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Love; Light

Love, A light at the end of the tunnel, It’s why I cherish it so much, Long for my next meeting, Because in all the darkness in my life, The one thing that gave me light, Was love, Made everything around me light, When it was once dark, But as quickly as it’s been given, It’s taken, Stolen by the same person who gave it, With a knife in my back, I’m bleed of that light, Light drained from my eyes, Till once again, All I see is darkness…

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Is It Bad

Is it bad that I just want you to know, I want you to know the pain that you caused, And acknowledge it at least, The hurt you caused me, The lies and anger you took out on me, Anger because you were lying, The manipulation and gaslighting you used to do when we were drunk, Sometimes even sober, Where I’d fold everytime, So you’d finally stop being angry with me, The way you took advantage of me, Only loving me on your terms, Pulling me in and out of your life, However you felt, On and off, How I…

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Stayed Too Long

Cuddled up laughing till we cried, On your bed, With some random movie on, That we’ll never end up actually watching, A couple drinks away, From a fight you start, Where I calmly explain myself, While you yell at me till I give up, 5 feet away from a hole your ex punch in your wall, For that I wrote off all you’re toxic traits, Stayed patient with you, Saw the good in you, And you repaid me with lies and deceit, Anger and resentment, I stayed for too long, I just hope I can truly heal from it…

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May Never Feel Again…

The one thing in this world I cherish more then anything else, Given and taken away, Reciprocated and betrayed, Cherished and stabbed, Love… All I’ve ever asked for, And yet I’m unlovable, Cherished and yet handed off, Accepted and given up on, Broken and demonized, Hurt and lied too, Manipulated and used, Gaslit and set a float, When all I did was love, Something I cherished, But because of someone else, May never get to feel again…

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Clearing Out The Drafts… Bye

The other day I told my coworker that we broke up, And before I could utter a sentence, She began to bash me for the first words I chose, In an attempt to try and explain it, She wouldn’t even let me talk another word, I tried but few words uninterrupted only fueled her opinionated and uninformed argument, Till it was too much, And I just went to the bathroom and cried, When it was brought up again, It didn’t help when all of my coworkers hopped in, But I shut down long before I could convey how much I…

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Action and Inaction

You have to make sure you’re at balance between action and inaction, Too much action and you risk the consequences of impulsivity, Not thinking enough through what you’re doing and ending up doing the wrong thing, Wanting results so bad that you become impatient and miss the right timing, Or not enough action, Inaction where you risk the pleague of procrastination, Ending up never doing it at all, Losing the belief you could ever do it at all…

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When Your Numb Even The Bad Feels Good…

For I don’t know how long now I’ve been emotionally numb, Not fully but my ability to feel any emotions at all has been limited, A few seconds of any emotion is all I could muster up, Before I was returned to numbness, Most of the time it’s been happiness, But for some reason those moments last longer, But negative emotions, Stop immedately, Any and all, I shut down immedately, I think I might be emotionally damaged by life, But I’ve been on a journey to regain them once again, And today… I finally was able to truly feel, Good…

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The Pull Towards Chaos…

When I have it all together, I feel this pull, This pull towards chaos, Like something pulling on my leg underwater, When I’m contently on the surface, And until now, I’ve allowed it to pull me down, Every time… But this time, I won’t allow it, I won’t allow the pull towards chaos, To pull me down again…

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Let The Grass Grow Over…

Sometimes you have to let go, Let the grass grow over, What once was pavement, Now cracked and shattered by roots, Must be given time, To revert back to luscious green, Because there’s just something so beautiful… About the grass grown between the cracks of pavement…

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Weighed Down By Sand Bags

Sometimes I like to think about, How the weight of things, How the weight of situations, In our life, Change, Almost like a bag of sand we carry, With a small tear at the bottom, And no matter how desperately, We try and stop the sand from falling out, And how stupid we look trying to fill the bag back up, With our hands tightly gripped, As to not accidentally drop the bag, Releasing ourselves from this pain, This heaviness, No matter what, Overtime the weight gets lighter and lighter, Till there’s no sand left, Till we feel no weight…

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An Ember

An Ember, Once a roaring fire, Only contained by the energy in which surrounded it, Which begs the question, Was it choked out by it’s surroundings, Watered down by life, Or did the fire simply burn everything it could, Spread till there was nothing left to burn, Burnt everything around it, Till it was left to an Ember, Alone… In the middle of it’s own destruction…

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I’m the jerk…

I’m a jerk, Because I loved you enough, To not want to give up on you, Give up on us, Because I chose to forgive you, For all the times you hurt me, Just for you to tell me you lied to me, Our entire relationship, When I was nothing but transparent, My patience was pressure, My guidance was guilting, When all I did was care, Then be irritated and angry with me, Because you were lying, Pretending to be someone your not, When I accepted you for who you are, I ignored my friends when I explained our entire…

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Demonized ft Myself

I’ve guilted myself to death, About this situation, About the way I acted, Why wouldn’t I just leave you alone, I’m a terrible, horrible, toxic person, Demonized myself like I do best, But how could I blame myself, With how I felt, I felt as if ripping you out of my life, Was ripping my heart straight out of my chest, But I was held at gunpoint by you, Because I wasn’t enough for you to be happy, Or want to try hard enough to make it work, You just lied, And would be irritated with me that you were,…

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Open Heart Surgery

Healing is like preforming open heart surgery, It’s slow and precise, Not to be rushed, It takes undivided attention, Because any distractions, Diversions of energy, Only leads to a longer process, More damage, While no damage is permanent, And you can always heal, If you don’t allow yourself the time, The damage will be permanent, Lasting a lifetime, Healing is like open heart surgery…

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Life; The River

Sometimes I like to think of life as a river, Like being at flow with life, Is just floating down the river, Sometimes we paddle to shore, For something we need, Or want, Sometimes we spend to much time on shore, Fall out of flow, When we were simply supposed to get what we went to shore for, And return to the river, Return to flow with life, Sometimes with a lesson learned, A new crew member, Or something of value, Adding to your life, To your journey, But sometimes you bring something aboard, That weights the boat down, Filling…

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Releasing Control

I’m taking the drivers seat of life, Putting the petal to the ground, Releasing my once tight grip on the steering wheel, Closing my eyes, With nothing but a smile on my face, And as the engine revs, I might get scared, But I’m giving up control, Letting the universe take the wheel, I’m sorry it took this long, And so many lessons, Especially repeated ones, But people who get used to having control, Rarely volunteer to give it up…

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Biggest Ally; Worst Enemy

My OCD is often my biggest ally, But can be my worst enemy, Because the first letter, O, Standing for Obsession, Can drive me crazy if I let it, And as I slip into insanity, The feeling like falling in a dream, I claw at everything to keep from falling, Even though I’m not falling at all, But repeating intrusive thoughts inside my head, Each one more drastically different from another, With that, The ending becomes unclear, And like a cornered animal, I act implusively, In hopes of getting out, To stop the falling, But all I end up doing…

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Too Long

For too long I have allowed this person, This person who loves me, To hurt me, And continue to hurt me, It’s not all their fault though, I allowed it, Everytime, Out of a lack of self respect, I stayed and fought for someone, Who didn’t fight all that much for me, They made me believe they were, In the form of lies, But never truly did, They love me, And yet they hurt me, So I guess they never loved me enough, I was enough, But their love wasn’t…

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Daily Check In: Part 1

I don’t think I ate a single thing today, But I didn’t really have much of an urge to eat, Don’t think I was hungry at all today, I mean it’s not all as bad as it sounds, I’d love to tell you about how much caffeine I drink, Barely a can, Used to be like two or three, But I barely need a couple sips before I’m good, And even then, I guess I don’t rely on it as much I used to think, I used to think I needed it to be social, But all my job is…

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Hardest Part

The hardest part of my day is one not thought of, It’s the moment I get in my car, Whether it’s after a great day at work, Or the start of my day, It’s realizing when I shut car door, And I’m overwhelmed by silence, That I’m not rushing over to your house, To see you, Every time it breaks me, Because even though it’s draining, Seeing you was my favorite part of my day, Because that brief couple of seconds, Un-Inundated by negative energy, It gave me purpose for the day, And without you even knowing it, You were…

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Love ft. Fear

I fear that I’ll never love again, I fear that I’ll never be loved again, Or not loved like you loved me, I fear that I won’t be accepted like you accepted me, You praised even my weirdest things, You made me confident, When I wanted to shell up, Like a turtle, You made me stand tall, When I wanted to run away, Run forward when I wanted to turn around, You made me strong, And you were my motivation most days, Now what…

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Heartbreak; Grieving A Loss

I cry as if I’m grieving a loss, But that’s how it feels, While you’re not dead, Your existence in my life is… And a lot like death and loss, You’d do anything to get that person back in you love back, But I’ve clawed you back into my life four times already, And another seems inevitably hopeless, I’d say you ruined what we could’ve had, For you broke my heart three times, Only to take me back in, Shattered and broken, A shell of who I once was, I didn’t help, You asked for space to heal, And I…

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Purple

I went to write in my journal the other day, And I cried as I reached for my purple pen to write about you, Because I always said you reminded me of the color purple, And I can’t help the tears that flow as I write this…

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So Close And Yet So Far…

Your car flew past me today, Or at least I think it was your car, And for a brief second, I felt so close to you again, And yet so far away, I didn’t really know how to feel, I think part of me shut down, Went numb, But I do remember the urge, The want to be closer, In your presence once again, And whether we said everything, Or nothing at all, It wouldn’t matter, Because I’d feel at home again…

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Just Do…

Sometimes there is no fancy starting place, Where people line up early or late, Or some perfect time where a sound set’s you off to the races, Sometimes the starting place is created, By blindly doing, Closing your eyes, And beginning to run, You don’t know where yet, But if you hit enough trees, At some point you’ll find yourself on the right path, And where you started won’t even matter anymore… Sometimes you just have to do, Because there won’t always be a perfect starting place…

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Healing

Healing isn’t simply closing a wound, It’s pouring hydrogen peroxide into it, Tweezing the rocks out of it, And scrubbing it till it’s clean, Then allowing it time to heal, Because if you don’t, The healing doesn’t start, And the wound will infect, Till you simply can’t ignore it anymore…

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Lost Valentine’s Day

We lost a day we can’t get back, A day to me, To me means more then you know, A day full of love… And as a person packed so tightly with so much of it, Like a vacation suitcase, It’s my favorite excuse to to let it all out, But how can I be mad, When I was the one who failed to say that… You are my first ever real Valentine, Never had one before, A real one at least, One that’s not a joke, Or a close friend, A real Valentine… And all I really got to…

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Invalid Feelings

I invalidate my own feelings more then others do, But when I choose not to silence my invalidating thoughts, I always have someone to do it for me, And I wonder why I always feel like such a burden… Or maybe I’m just bad at picking what hills to die on…

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Love

Love, A word too complex to fit it’s complexities into just a single poem, Or in just a single word, However I am going to challenge both of those statements, If I were to deconstruct the word love, And reconstruct it into a different four letter word, It would simply be home, Because the only way I can describe, Love… Fitting all it’s complexities into this single poem, Is by saying, Love is home, Not a house, A home…

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Heartbreak

Heartbreak, A simple metaphor, In which is our best way of describing, The complex pain that we feel, And the teetering hopelessness, Where a single image object or sound, Sends us right back to relive the moment attached, And if you listen closely, You can almost hear the crack that shattered you heart…

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Forgive

Forgive, I offer my heart openly, In hopes of righting the wrongs, Or at least to silence the voices in my head, Ripping and tearing me apart, Inside out, Though even if I am fogiven, The guilt may never fade…

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Think about a time you were recently in public. Describe what you were doing from the point of view of a stranger…

While I was walking the aisles of Safeway, I was briefly passed by a seemingly distressed man, Anxiety beaming from his edges, While murmuring to himself to make himself more comfortable, All he could see was all the eyes on him, Watching his every move, But in reality not a soul was paying attention to him except for me, And even then I wasn’t really paying any attention overwhelmed by the same feelings the man felt, I took a step back and realized that nobody was paying attention to anybody else, Everyone too focused on how they looked to everyone…

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What happens after we die?

After we die you ask… Hmm I don’t know… Nobody does… But we can believe that we do… Makes it easier that way… So what do I believe… I believe we live on in some respect, I don’t know how or where but we, our souls, or whatever we truly are lives on… But sometimes I like to believe that death is the last thing… Our final say… Our final mark on this world and the Universe… So that everyday I’m living or at least breathing I spend it worth while…

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Love Like You’re Willing To Lose Them

You must be willing to love them like your willing to lose them, Because if you don’t, You’ll only ever say the right things, Even if it’s not always the truth, Or you’ll find yourself hold your tongue, And sweeping things under the rug, Until the dust is a mountain high, And even though the air is thin, And your struggling to breath, You’ll never uncover the rug, Because if you do, You risk losing it all, But… In that risk, Lies limitless growth, That can only be attained through see through communication, And sometimes brutal honesty, Love as if…

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Is It Normal?!

Is it normal, That most days I can’t see clearly, That I can’t even think most of the time, Not clearly at least, Not even close, And I don’t even realize, Until I do see clearly, Until my eyes widen, And the fog clears, Letting my thoughts shine through, But it think the worst part, Is that I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, And if I was brave enough to ask the question, Who would I even ask…

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True Life’s Fulfillment

For years True Life’s Fulfillment, Meant accomplishments, It meant success in the career I am most passionate, One for at one time in my life, I would give my life, But when this person entered my life, I realized for me at least, That maybe True Life’s Fulfillment, Is a family, You as my wife, Doing everything we can to give our child the best life, One for I would have purpose, One with a driving factor stronger then passion ever would be, Love… One for I would wake up happy even if I was doing something I hated, Because…

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The River

The river began to fall and flow, Something I think I’ve seen before, As water and ground began to sow, I wondered if there’d ever be more, The water seemed weightless yet belonging, Flowing so fast never seeming to stop, Unknowing it made me feel so longing, As I road it straight to the top, So the day it came to a sudden halt, I began to fall although having fallen, With my mouth starting to fill with salt, Feeling like a flower without any pollen, Now whenever I begin to stand, I sink deeper into The River’s quicksand…

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You Unraveled Me

In the beginning I was all put together, I had pieced myself that way, Ready for someone to come along, And capitalize on my search for divine love, And there you were, Three feet away, In the booth across from me, Introducing yourself into my life, Which quickly lead to an astronomical connection, But overtime you unraveled me, Leaving me undone and broken, Only to then stake your claim into my life, And now you’re left with the fragmented version of me that you broke, Again and again, And now I have to piece myself back together for you…

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You’re My Favorite Song

I feel like this is a universal feeling, But idk, Ok so you know that feeling when you find a new song, And that feeling when your favorite part hits, Hits just so hard, And for those few seconds, The few seconds you forget everything, Feeling an overwhelming amount of emotion, So fucking good, Euphoric even, That’s how I feel with you, But instead it’s not just a few seconds, It’s every moment, Everytime you laugh, Smile, Touch my lower back at work when you needed something or pass by me, And yeah I fall quick, Way to quick, But…

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I’m Tired

I’m tired of forgiving you, I’m tired of forgetting all the times you hurt me, Only for you to do it all again, We’re caught in this vicious cycle, Tearing each other apart limb by limb, Skin like paper rip and tear, But you’re the only one doing the tearing, Ripping me apart with enough time to do it to yourself too, Your sinking, And my lungs are starting to fill with water, I’m tired, I’m tired of letting you pull me down, In hopes that we might be able to float happily one day, But with no oxygen left,…

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The Penguin

The penguin begins it’s day frigid and cold, Knowing of what it must do today, Life or death if it were to fold, Will it live to see another or have to pay, Diving head first into sudden danger, Filled with death and food alike, The cold water a brain rearranger, As teeth stab through like a pike, The blood and water begin to sow, Skin like paper rip and tear, Dark and lightless deep down low, As lifeless body sinks to underwater lair, The once brave penguin lifeless and dead, As water mixes and fills with deep dark red…

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What Am I To Think

What am I to think, When the person that loved me the best, The person that loved me like no other, In the end, Didn’t even want me, Made me believe so, I don’t even think they knew they didn’t want me, Or maybe they did, Or maybe they did want me, Just not enough, It’s ok… I’ve never been enough, I’m used to it I guess, Not really, But at least it hurts a little less if I tell myself that, Been a burden my entire life, Why should I feel any differently now, They only meant so much…

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The Switch

At first I started doing things for you, I wanted to better myself for you, I wanted to be successful for you, I wanted my life to be set to support you and your dreams, But over time, Those things, I can’t tell you when, I can’t tell you how, But at some point it switched, And the things I did, Were for me, For my happiness, I loved you enough to love myself, But when you forced me to say goodbye, I found love for myself that I didn’t even know I was capable of…

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Present

The real present, Is the here and now, I find myself so caught up, In the what has and what will, That I become frozen in time, Doing nothing at all to change either, To change the past, You must do in the present what you want the past to be, And to change the future, You must do in the present what you want your future to be, The gift is the here and now, That is why it is called the present…

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I Am Alive

I am Alive, If I have nothing to show for it, That’s ok, Because I’m given the one gift, That is priceless beyond all imaginations, One for is not promised, That some aren’t given waking up on this fine morning, A gift for many that goes unnoticed, Unappreciated, However I choose everyday, To be grateful, Grateful for the cool air in my lungs, And the beating of my heart, If I have nothing else to show for it, I am alive, And that’s more than enough for me…

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Fear Of Love

I realized I’m not afraid of falling in love again, I’m afraid of losing myself in someone else yet again, Because when I love, I love hard, Only to have them ripped out of my life, Tearing and taking a piece of me with them, Like a number on a flyer they briefly cared about, I don’t trust myself enough to pull myself together if I do, I am not afraid of love, I am afraid of losing myself again, Because I don’t know how many times I can learn to love myself again… Even if they do stay…

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Raging Riptide

They smile knowing of pain behind, They breath as if they aren’t dead, They’re lost no where to find, They wish something would cut off their head, But they continues to act very happy, To keep others from turning to a frown, They could just break and get all sappy, But they’d rather push them up then pull them down, Tears may rain from deep inside, Enough to cause a drowned, But their smile contains the raging riptide, As their laughter contains the sound, Staying up is what they must do, For themselves but for others too…

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With This Pen I Write 2

With This Pen I Write, “I’m not ok” But I don’t know why, If I could put it to words, Maybe I could begin to heal, If I knew what was wrong, Maybe I could begin to feel, With This Pen I Write, In hopes that one day, I find the answer I am looking for, With This Pen I Write, In hopes that one day, I can begin to feel again, With This Pen I Write…

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Wedding Day

Oh how I would’ve cried on our wedding day, Seeing you step out in that beautiful white dress, Not because I’d be sad, But because I’d feel more happiness then I could handle, But instead I soak the paper I write this on, With nothing but my tears, Because the thought of seeing you from that alter, In that dress, Putting myself there in that moment, Overwhelms me with happiness, And makes me so emotional, Only to be ripped from that disillusion, With the reality that, That may never happen, With you at least… Turning my puddle of tears to…

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Just Not The Same

Drinking just isn’t the same without you, It just makes me miss, Being nine cups deep, One to go, You as my partner, Changing up our rituals every turn, In hopes of making that last cup, Ending the game, Continuing our undefeated streak, Laughing, Flirting the entire time, While our competitive spirts fight for another win, Don’t even get me started when we’d face each other, Trash talking like the best friends we were, Because you were so much more then just my girlfriend, Both of us too competitive to quit, I’d trade anything to have it back, Anything to…

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With This Pen I Write

With This Pen I Write, What my heart wants to say, But my mind cannot put into words, With This Pen I Write, How I feel, However if someone were to ask me, I’d have nothing but a forced smile, And only the ability to mutter, “I’m ok” Not because I think they don’t care enough, Not because I don’t want them to worry, Not because I don’t want to talk about it, Because I do, It’s because not even I know what’s wrong with me…

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I’ll Always Be Waiting For You

Oh how I wish you would text me one day, Telling me that you missed me, Telling me that you still loved me, Telling me that you wanted to make it work, Even though it might be too late, Because for you it’ll never be too late, The day I wrote in your notebook that I’d always love you, The day that I spoke those same words, I meant every syllable, And if you’re ever thinking, Wanting me back, With your fingers paused over my name, Don’t hesitate for a second, Because I will always be waiting for you, Even…

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There Is No One Else

When we broke up I realized that, There Is No One Else, Anyone else would just be a place holder, Until you returned into my life again, I realized that I had found the one, The one for me, And yet I had to let her go, Not because anything was wrong, No no no… Everything was great, And I don’t know if that make it feel worse or better, But because of circumstances out of our control, It had to end, When we broke up I realized anyone else, Would just be a distraction, A distraction from the world…

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Over You Or So I Thought

I truly thought I was over you. Until the night I laid in my bed. It was so comfortable that day. Especially after the long day. However my heart ached. Because it reminded me of you. How I felt in your arms. However your arms weren’t wrapped around me. And you weren’t there. Watching over me as I drift to sleep. Like you did for so many nights. And the room. Filled to the brim with darkness. Only made it feel worse…

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Indifferent

It used to make me sad, The thought of you never being in my life again, The thought of getting over you, The thought of forgetting the memories we made, But now… Now that I feel indifferent, No emotion at all, It doesn’t bother me, I mean you didn’t care, The last time we talked you didn’t care, At first that bothered me, But now… Now I get it…

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Right Person Wrong Time

Right person, Wrong Time, Or Wrong person, Right Time, Because if they were the right person, Can it really be the wrong time, If it was the right person, Your right person, Wouldn’t you do anything to make it work, Is it possible to meet your right person, But have to let them go, Maybe it’s Wrong Person, Right Time, Here to give you the lessons needed to meet your right person, If you really cared, If you truly loved me like you made me believe, We would’ve made it work, But instead I was forced to say goodbye, Before…

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Home

When I met you, I realized Home is a place, However not one with for walls and a roof, Filled with materialistic desires, It’s the place nestled right between your arms, Close enough to the beating of your heart, As I slowly drift to sleep, And when I awake, You’re still here…

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Who Knew Scars Could Hurt

Who knew scars could hurt, Like the first day you got them, Or that scars could bleed, Like they’re fresh, Or that they could tare open, With the smallest of movements, Or that they don’t make you stronger, Just leave you with skin more likely to bleed, Or that they’re permanence, Makes you inevitably hopeless, But some scars while always there, You’ll never have to reopen them, And they’ll be so delicate, That you’ll never move, In fear of taring the thin skin holding it all in, However the scars that have been ripped, torn, and bleed from, Are far…

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A Blank Page

I feel the weight of a thousand buildings, Feeling a break, But unable, And yet the sight of a blank page, Pen in hand ready to write, My thoughts are just as blank, Unable to think of a single word to write, Or one good enough to ink the page, Even when I feel like a shaken champagne bottle, Ready to pop, And I try to force, But it only reinforces the damn, That holds back the river of thoughts, Wanting to break through, One day, Hopefully I’ll be able to let the river flow, And the thoughts go, From…

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